I confess I almost told my mom I want to die. I almost told her that I've been making little attempt because I don't have the nerve to do something drastic. I don't have it in me to go into my kitchen and run a knife down my arm. I can't overdose because I stop myself. I cut my leg a while ago and it's closed up. I took pills, I've nearly gotten hit by a minivan, SUV, even a pickup truck, but I just can't get the fucking job done.
I can see myself MAYBE coming out of this depression and feeling something other than worthless again, but not right now. These fucking headaches and these anxiety attacks, and these feelings of helplessness and worthlessness are more than I can handle. I've been dealing with this for well over a year and I cannot afford to get "fixed" professionally.
As much as I'm sick of living, and want to find a way out of this suffering, I don't know if I truly want to kill myself. I'm afraid the attempts are going to keep escalating until I find success.
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