I confess that last year we had moved into our new home and had scheduled to have cable and internet installed in our home. I was given an appointment date and waited for the cable guy to arrive. My husband of 15 years had left for work as well as my daughter so I was home all alone.

I decided to put on a pair of white shorts and a white summer beach top. I wasn't wearing a bra as either as I love the freedom when I am home alone. The cable guy was due to arrive anytime after 10 am and he arrived approx fifteen minutes after 10. The van parked in our driveway and I looked out the window and saw a very muscular and handsome black guy exit the van. He was very tall 6'2 and had a nice build. I would mistake him for a football player if I didn't know any better.

I met him at the door and invited him in and showed him into the living room. He introduced himself as Ty and I told him my name is Jill. Ty went to work right away and I sat on the couch watching him go to work. I had never been with any other man never mind a black man and I admit my mind was certainly running. My husband and I have a great sex life and just last night we had fucked for hours into the early morning. Any way I digress. Here I was looking at Ty and trying to imagine if he had a big cock or not. Why was I thinking this way? I never thought to cheat and I had only one lover in my life, my husband.

I am 35 5'1 100lbs 32b long blonde hair blue eyes and very tan. I am completely shaved as my husband likes that look. The young look as he likes to say. When Ty finished in the living room I showed him into my daughters room to set up her internet and cable. I also showed him the spare bedroom and my bedroom which also need the same hookups. I left Ty alone and went to do some of my house chores. I walked by my daughters room and saw Ty crouched behind my daughters desk and then I noticed he had something in his hand and had it up to his nose. OMG is he smelling her panties? I didn't know what to say as my mind was spinning with all kinds of thoughts. I walked away and said nothing. I walked into my bedroom and stood with my back to the door.

Was he smelling my daughters undies? Did this turn him on? I was getting turned on myself at just the thought. I don't know why but I undid the button on my shorts and slip my hand inside and slipped a finger into my pussy. I shuddered when I touched my clit. I was soaking wet! Why am I thinking this way. I continued to rub myself slowly and then I heard him. It was a clearing of the throat sound. I froze. Then I heard him enter the room and walk towards me. I was frozen like a rabbit. He stood behind me and slid his hand around my waist then down into my panties. He cupped my hand onto my pussy. Then he whispered to me. Your a slut aren't you? I shook my head yes. Why did I? I'm not a slut. But I said I was. Ty pulled his hand out of my panties and then slid my shorts and panties off. I stepped out of them standing there bare assed. Bend over he said. Put your hands on the bed. I did as he said and I felt his tongue lick my ass then I felt him spread my ass and kiss my asshole. Ty pushed his tongue in and licked all around. then he stood up and I heard him unzip his pants and remove them.

I felt his cock press into my ass. He aimed his 8x6inch cock into my ass then I felt him opening my ass with his cock. I had never been fucked in my ass before and now I as going to have this huge black cock take my anal virginity. The pain was intense as he pushed deeper inside with every thrust. I was clenching my fist and tears were coming down as he fucked my ass. Ty soon was pushing in and out of my ass with reckless abandon and giving me a fuck of a lifetime. Soon the pain went away and I was enjoying his huge monster. I started meeting his thrusts as he entered my ass. Then he told me he was going to come. Ty grabbed my hips and buried his entire cock up my ass and with it his load of cum. I felt him twitch and jerk as he emptied his load into me. When he pulled out I could feel his cum running down my legs. Ty turned me around and pushed me to my knees and said lick me. Suck my cock clean. I did as he said.

When I was done he put his clothes back on and told me he was done for the day. He had other customers to install. I said what about the rest of the job. Ty said he would be back tomorrow. I couldn't wait.

My time in Iraq wasn't all that bad. At least not every day. In between the days watching a good friend get killed, there were some fun times.

Without going into details, we were in a medium sized city, and all the residents abandoned their homes. That meant we were free to go into any house, and tear through it. We went through people's shit. Their clothes, their private stuff, their family albums. We slept in their beds, we shit on their floors, we took what we wanted. We even set houses on fire for no fucking reason at all (Not easy since most of the houses are made of brick and cement).

As much as war sucks, there is a certain ecstasy you get from total anarchy. Imagine how much fun you could have if everyone in your city left, and you could walk into any house, and do whatever you wanted?

I confess I have a long distance relationship with a girl who lives in the south. Almost got her into a gangbang at an abandoned house near her place

fake photo of my niece Darixsa with me, every day I fantasize about taking Darixsa to an abandoned house and fucking her non-stop

THIS IS NOT IN ANY WAY SEXY. I need advice and feedback.

I'm a 27 y.o. male and rent a house with my girlfriend. We've been together 2.5 years and I love her with all my heart. We plan to get married but she's only 21 and still in college full time (also working part time).

My 22(ish?) ex girlfriend just moved back to town. We dated for almost 3 years but she cheated on me a lot. We realized we're much better friends than we are in a relationship and that's how it's continued in the years since. She's like my little sister and the kid's life is just a train wreck. She moved in with my mom to help her get back on her feet and stay out of trouble. She has a lot of issues she needs to deal with and keeps getting distracted by her shitbag friends so she never gets her shit together.

My girlfriend is so not okay with our friendship, especially if we're hanging out and smoke a bowl (because I obviously will go mad and cheat on her). She said she was okay with the situation and even offered to let my ex stay with us for a while, but of course she was only saying that and didn't really mean it because she was under duress.

I need my ex girlfriend to be gone so that tranquility can return to my home, but she's not gonna be gone until she gets her shit together which she isn't going to do on her own. I also hate the idea that I have to abandon people I care about just because my girlfriend is insecure or doesn't like them. This isn't the first time her attitude has driven me away from a friendship and I feel like I'm failing my convictions to give in for the sake of having a happy home.

To make matters worse, my girlfriend and I are complete morons and so she's pregnant. Not far along but this isn't something we planned and so she's getting an abortion (the pill) this weekend. So obviously this is the worst time ever for all this ex girlfriend shit to be going on because this pregnancy is an emotionally draining experience on its own.

Last night I took the ex over to my best dealer's place so that way I don't have to be bothered with her always trying to see if I can hook her up. Meant it to just be an hour or so but people start rolling joints and busting out hang drums, the ex thinks my guy is really cute so she wants to hang; I'm itching to leave and get home to my girl because I know she's gonna be annoyed but you know what it's like at your guy's place. They're always just about to roll another one... So it wound up being more like 3 hours. Totally insensitive to my girlfriend's explicit discomfort with situations like that. Came home at midnight to a deserved bitching before a cold night's sleep.

What the fuck am I supposed to do here? Where do I draw the line between being insensitive and standing up for things that are important to me? Any advice on these things would be appreciated.

If you were driving your car alone on a lonely beach and you find this lost girl and asks you to get in your car to help her and in return she would give you what you want, what would you ask for a change ?, I would ask her to go to an abandoned house outside the city to give anal and vaginal sex without a condom all night and record everything to sell as amateur porn on xxx pages, what would you ask this girl?

I confess I want to post my girl up and have her lure black animals over to a abandon house with a throw away phone thinking im a cuck. Then ill rob and kill them after they get naked and leave. Black widow type shit. Im sick of the stereotypes im white Over 7in and have had 2 black girls say Im big

Seriously! When I was in my early teens (13-15), living in San Jose California, I confess to routinely engaging in sexual contact with 3 much younger girls (2 sisters and another neighbor) and 1 boy. I was never able to penetrate the girls, so we dry humped all of the time, until I would come, which they all hated, because it was "nasty" and "sticky" and other then occasionally kissing my dick, they refused oral. I later learned that the two sister had been doing the same thing with their brothers and an older male friend of their fathers who had moved in, he was actually caught in the act by the father, who threw him out of the house after catching him (idiot) a second time.

The young boy, sucked me, and after weeks of playing with him, he was still unable to take much dick up his ass, without crying and carrying on, which was no fun and not my thing, so I had to settle for oral, which he was rather decent at for his age. He refused to accept me cumming in his mouth after the first time, when he understood what it meant, and would always tell me to tell him, so he could abandon dick, when I was ready.

It is not my mode of thought that has caused my misfortunes, but the mode of thought of others.

Not sure what category to place this under but it's a fantasy that plays over and over in my head... I'm a 25 year old guy married... My wife is 22. I have 2 sister in laws 20 and 18 and my mother in law is 41.

This fantasy I have is i kidnap and drug my mother in law and 2 sister in laws... I take them to a basement dungeon of an abandon house... Strip them naked blindfold them and tie there hands to a over head beam and wait for them to come too. Then as they all come too I tell them that we are going to play a game and if you all listen and play I'll let you go home... I start with my mother in law and I explain the rules.... I will give you a task and you can either do it or pick one of your daughters to do it... First task is to have your boobs whipped for 10 mins do you want to do it or pass of course being a mom she try's to protect here daughters and takes the whipping... And this goes on for hours... Till all 3 are tired, broken and have gave up on getting out.... I know it sounds twisted and fucked but it's a fantasy of mine I can't get out if my head

Karen Smith lay back on her beach towel, clad only in a skimpy red bikini, and thought, "This is the life." She had landed in Ibiza two days earlier with her son, Kurt, for a three-week holiday, just the two of them. It had been an especially rainy season in London and they were both ecstatic to be getting some time in the sun. Karen typically wore one-piece bathing suits but her ivory skin was so starved for color that she decided to pack nothing but bikinis, a fact that hadn't escaped Kurt's attention.

At 42, Karen looked stunning, especially compared to Kurt's friends' moms, most of who you would never care to look at naked. But not Karen. She was often compared to Sophia Loren, and she knew that the compliment men were giving her was, "I bet you'd be dynamite in the sack." Her shoulder-length chestnut hair still shimmered in the sun and her long, shapely legs were the envy of all of Kurt's friends. Her 36D chest never needed padding to fill out the prim and proper suit jackets that she typically wore to work as a real estate broker, and more than one client had taken the opportunity to cop a feel whilst they were alone in a flat. Kurt's father had been nothing more than a sperm donor and for Kurt and Karen's entire life, their relationship was just that of mother and son. Recently, however, they had become more like friends.

"I'm heading into the water for a bit, Mom, don't burn," Kurt said, standing from his towel and removing his sunglasses.

"Okay love, don't wear yourself out," Karen said with a sly grin.

Kurt Smith was an athletic 22-year-old whose average height belied the above average dick that he carried with him. It gave him a confidence that most girls were attracted to, and he always enjoyed the look on their faces when they spied his member for the first time.

He hadn't had a girlfriend for a few weeks, and accordingly, was staring at even more girls than usual. On this particular day, however, the sunny cove where they were sunning themselves had only one other family further down the beach.

As Kurt bobbed in the salty Mediterranean water, he looked back at shore and saw only his Mom.

"Fuck me," he thought, "have her tits always been that big?"

The red spandex strained to contain her large orbs and the contrast between her pale skin made the bikini glow even brighter. She stood up to stretch just now, and turned around looking at the beach bar, giving Kurt a perfect view of the cleft of her ass. The bikini had ridden up while Karen was sitting down so that it looked almost like a thong.

"I'm getting turned on by my own Mom," Kurt thought. "How sick. I mean, I know she's got a great body and there's nobody else around but c'mon, we've lived together for so long, am I really getting hard over her?"

But he was. Under the cool water's surface, Kurt's cock was growing ever larger, and he could not take his eyes off of Karen's heavy tits, barely supported by the flimsy red material. He knew that as soon as he could get his hard-on to subside, he would have to make a beeline for their villa and jerk himself off, hard.

For her part, Karen was fantasizing herself about how long it had been since she had had a good fucking. Being a mom was no longer a big part of her life with Kurt being a man, but she still could not find much time to meet quality men. It wasn't even the companionship that she longed for, but more the lurid side of sexual intimacy with a man, any man, that she craved. Holding a cock in her hand as it filled with blood and grew, the firmness it got when she tugged on it...these were things she could have with any man, and they would fulfill her sexual desires, but it was still an effort.

"I'm heading back to the villa, Mom, you need me to bring anything back for you?" Kurt broke Karen from her daze as he toweled himself off.

"No, thanks, I'll probably come back in a little while too," she said. She noticed that Kurt looked especially good today, the bright Spanish sun shining off of his sculpted chest. "If only he weren't my son," Karen thought, "I would definitely let him fuck me. Too bad that's such a hangup, that adults can't service each other sexually if they both need it."

Her pussy tingled at the thought of having their big villa together for three weeks, fucking one another on all of the furniture, in the bathroom shower, on the terrace, doggy style in front of the sliding glass door.

"How nice would that be," Karen thought, "to be able to satisfy each other's cravings and then get on with the day. I'm sure we'd both enjoy the vacation a lot more. Society.."

Kurt was barely in the door before he stripped his swim trunks off and laid back on the bed in his downstairs bedroom. Karen had chosen the master bedroom upstairs so that they would have a bit of privacy, even though there were two bedrooms on the ground floor.

"It's too bad there weren't more girls at the beach today," Kurt thought as he gently squeezed his still damp cock. "That Swedish woman from last year was the hottest thing ever."

Kurt thought back to the previous year's trip when a mature Swedish woman had set up her sun umbrella next to his. He was at the beach alone that day and feeling talkative, so he struck up a conversation with the Swede. The mother of three was in her 50s and had some lines of age on her face but her smile was dazzling and her blonde hair almost platinum, which made her deep tan even more alluring. As the day went on, they both became overheated and went down to the water together.

After floating a few feet from one another and obviously flirting, Kurt tentatively reached out to touch her waist. The mother flinched at first but then smiled broadly and brought Kurt's hands up to her large breasts. They sagged slightly in her bikini but she was completely uninhibited and swung her body around without regard for how much her tits moved, and Kurt found it very erotic. Floating in the ocean, they groped each other's bodies for a long time before going back to the sand and making out on their blankets.

Kurt moaned as he stroked his rod and continued to think back on the mature blonde woman, unaware that a mature brunette was listening to him. Karen had decided to come back to the house early for a drink, and she heard Kurt's heavy breathing as soon as she entered the villa. Seeing his trunks on the floor through his doorway, she knew he could only be masturbating.

"Oh my God, even my own son can get some relief, I wish it were easier for me." Karen threw her sarong onto the couch and slipped into a pair of high heeled espadrilles she had by the door. Their cork bottoms allowed her to get right to the edge of Kurt's bedroom before he would hear her. She didn't have any plans, but was just going by instinct.

Karen's calves were flexed from the high wedges, and she had beads of sweat sliding down the insides of her thighs. Her breathing was more ragged and she noticed with utter certainty that her pussy lips were tingling noticeably. Her son's masturbation was arousing Karen.

"If it were just as easy to use his cock as a dildo, and frig myself, then I could just...use him, and he could use me, we could both cum, and get back to life!" She was actually thinking that it sounded like a good plan, but she wasn't sure how Kurt would take it.

"If I'm matter-of-fact and a little insistent, what 22-year-old WOULDN'T like to be serviced on vacation?!" She pushed her breasts so that the nipples were closer to the inside border of her bikini top, and the dark areolas were showing. Karen stepped to the edge of the doorway.

Kurt was now pumping harder, his glans head wedged firmly on top of his fist. Eyes closed, he was moving his hips so that the bed shook slightly on the tile floor.

"Ahem."

Kurt heard Karen's noise, his eyes flew open, and he started to scoot to the top of the bed.

"Whooo, Mommm, I didn't think you'd be back so soon. Ahhhh."

"It's okay Kurt, I know what men your age do, it's not a big deal." Kurt's mom put her hand on the door jamb to seem casual and crossed her legs at the ankles. "Believe it or not, women have those needs to, they just don't talk about it. But even me, your Mom."

Kurt thought about his Mom having sexual needs and it couldn't help but put an image in his head of her being fucked over the back of a couch, hands gripping the pillows while someone, maybe him, entered her from behind again and again.

"I guess so," Kurt said. He had one hand over his crotch but his stiff member was still so engorged that his hand couldn't cover the entire thing. Kurt looked his mom over now for the first time and his eyes glazed over with lust. He thought, "I know she's my Mom but I was just in the middle of jerking off and my mind is still on sex and, fuck, would I love to mount her right here."

As if she was reading his mind, Karen stepped gingerly towards her son, her hips still cocked to the side from the angle of her tall shoes.

"Okay Kurt, I'm going to be really blunt here. We're alone for three weeks and it's going to be really difficult for us to concentrate on having fun and living if we're both sexually frustrated, do you agree?"

Kurt gulped but nodded his head in agreement. "Where can she be going with this?" he thought.

"So," Karen said walking to where Kurt's knees hung over the edge of the bed, "why don't we come to an understanding." She squatted so that her face was level with Kurt's hips, her big tits suspended in mid-air for her son to gawk at. The mirror at the foot of the bed allowed Kurt to see his Mom's ass too, as she bounced slightly on her haunches.

"Why don't we just say that, while we're here in Ibiza, we can do whatever we want to each other. Sexually." Karen licked her lips, the sexy mature woman now certain that this was exactly what she wanted.

"'Sexually'?" Kurt stammered. "So, what do you mean, DO whatever we want?"

"We tell each other when we need relief, and we use each other's bodies to get that relief. No judgments, no guilt, no awkwardness or hiding around." Karen's hands were roaming her body now, feeling her breasts and pushing them together as if in anticipation of what her son was going to do to her.

"Well...I mean, I would love to, but are you sure?" Kurt asked, smiling. "I get horny pretty often and usually jerk off three or four times a day."

"That's fine, Kurt, if you need me to service you five times a day, that will work too." Karen closed her eyes while she spoke and reached around behind her to undo her bikini top. "I might need you to...FUCK...me, every night if you can handle it." Karen drew out the word 'fuck' to gauge the impact on her son and it rightly threw him for a loop.

Kurt moved his hand from covering his cock and began stroking it again. "I think I could use some help now if you wouldn't mind, Mom."

Karen grinned and crawled onto the bed on all fours, her wedges still on her feet. "That's fine, son, don't worry. Mommy will take good care of you."

And with that she used her left hand to push Kurt's chest so he was flat on his back, and with her right she grasped his cock, her own son's cock, and began pumping it.

"Is this alright?" Karen asked innocently. "Is it okay if I suck on your cock? Suck on it until I make you cum in my mouth? Would you like that?"

Kurt was shaking now, his cock so ready to be serviced. He had needed to cum since he saw his Mom's big, full tits on the beach and had been jerking off for a few minutes before he came home. He needed his Mom to suck his cock and he needed her to deep throat it.

"Deep throat my cock, Mom." Kurt said uncertainly. "Please."

Karen laughed an evil laugh. "Don't say 'please', son. When we're servicing each other and helping each other to cum, treat me like a slut. That way it will be more of a separation between our normal time and our fucking time. We don't want you getting hard thinking about fucking your Mom's pussy in the middle of dinner."

And with that, Karen leaned down, her brown hair tussling over her son's stomach, and engulfed the length of his thick shaft in her hot, wet mouth. She hummed and moaned as she slobbered up and down on his slippery tool.

Kurt moaned loudly with ecstasy. "Fuuuuck, Mom, that's so gooood!" He shut his eyes and put his hands on top of his mother's head as she gulped up and down on his dick.

"Fuck his dick is so HOT!" Karen thought. "Not just big and smooth but actually physically WARM!" Her pussy was drooling already just thinking about having it inside of her. Her own son, Kurt, would soon have his dick buried inside of his mother. Karen swooned and blew her only child with renewed vigor. She was determined to suck him off quickly so that he would know how good she could be. She wanted to be a good dirty slut for her boy.

"You like that?" Karen asked in between slobbers. "You like your slutty Mom blowing you, Kurt? Sucking on your cock in your own bedroom? It's so naughty but I think we both know that we need to be helping each other cum on this trip, don't you?"

She went back to his dick with all of her attention, using one hand to stroke her son's dick up and down, the other to squeeze and cup his balls.

"Yeah Karen, suck it, suck my fat cock," Kurt said, getting into the spirit of his Mom's game. "Make me cum in your mouth, I need to cum." "Call me 'Mom'" Karen said, stopping just long enough to look her son directly in the eyes so that he knew exactly what it was they were doing. Getting a blowjob from his Mom.

"Mom, keep sucking my dick. Suck it now you slut." Kurt smiled even as he said this rudest of instruction.

Karen laughed and went back to work, servicing her son's dong. Kurt then grabbed her ass and slapped one of her cheeks, hard.

"I've wanted to do that all day," he said. "Here, swing around so you can sit on my face. I want to taste your pussy, Mom."

Karen couldn't believe it, her swollen lips needed attention badly and she was thrilled that her son wanted to eat her pussy.

"Ohh baby, that would be amazing. I'm just going to move around," Karen worked her hips and swung her knee over her boy's head so that they were in a perfect 69 position, her snatch just above Kurt's mouth and her own mouth still locked onto his dick.

"That's it, c'mon, sit on my face, Mom. I want to lick your pussy."

Karen obliged and moved her knees to the side so that her wet pussy was smashed onto her son's face.

"Ohhhh," she cried out. "Yeah, that's it, eat Mommy's pussy. Shove your tongue all the way into Mommy's little cunt hole." Karen squirmed around on top of her son, sitting back on his face so he could get as much of his mouth around her sopping pussy as possible.

"Keep sucking me, keep sucking my cock, Mom!" Karen had her lips at the base of her son's cock, tonguing the length of it. She was happy to suck his dick all day but she needed it's hardness inside of her.

"Okay, now it's my turn." She crawled off of her son's face and walked into the living room. Still wearing her heels, she bent at the waist and leaned over the couch. "Just fuck me, Kurt. Fuck me hard, and fuck me as fast as you like."

She wagged her ass back and forth and Kurt thought he might faint before he got to her. Sliding up behind his mother, Kurt aligned his hips with hers and guided his dick between her drooling pussy lips.

Karen shuddered as she felt her son's big thick cock slide inside of her. She leaned backwards and slammed her ass against Kurt's pelvis. The shock made him shuffle his feet but he soon found his footing and began moving back and forth more easily.

"Oh fuck, Mom! Your pussy feels so fucking good!"

"Much better than jerking off?"

"Fuck yeah, so much better."

"Good. Any time you want to fuck me, you can fuck me. If you want a blowjob, ask me, and I'll suck your cock. I just want to milk the cum out of you whenever you need it, and in return, I want you to fuck my pussy when I need it. That's only fair, isn't it?"

Kurt was into it now, drops of perspiration dripping onto his mother's pale back. He reached underneath and squeezed her utters together, still barely believing that he was inside of his Mom, fucking her with abandon. It was unreal that earlier in the hour, they were sitting side-by-side and not touching one another.

"You like it, don't you son? Fucking your mother? Fucking her wet pussy without caring who sees it?"

Karen abruptly pulled Kurt's cock out of her pussy, turned around and slapped him across the face. He could hardly believe what was going on but Karen was still smiling that devilish grin. She walked over to the couch and kneeled, sticking her ass up in the air.

"Come fuck my cunt, son. Fuck your mother's wet cunt until she cums. Can you do that, son? Do you mind shoving your thick cock inside my sopping pussy until I cum? You can just use me, you know. Use me like a fuckdoll, if you wake up in the middle of the night and need to get off, come into my room, lift my nightdress, lather your cock up with some spit and fuck me."

Kurt scrambled around the sofa and climbed onto the couch, placing his feet on either side of his Mom's knees. He braced himself on her lower back and slid down, impaling her sodden quim onto his stiff prick.

"I'm going to fuck you at least twice a day, Mom, I just hope you're okay with that."

Karen moaned and leaned back, not believing that her pussy was filled completely by her son.

"Just keep fucking me. When we're tired we can go back to the beach but for now, I just want you to get off. Just fucking use me to cum like some kind of slut."

Kurt fucked and fucked until he felt like his balls were going to explode.

"I'm going to cum now, Mom. Gonna cum, where do you want it."

Karen was frigging herself madly, not wanting it to end but wanting to see her son get off even more.

"When you're about to cum, pull out and cum on my face. I want to suck the last drop of cum out of you."

Kurt grabbed his mother's hair as he pumped furiously into her dripping pussy and at last felt like he was going to cum.

"Ahhh, I'm gonna cum!"

"Cum baby, fuck your Mommy and cum on her face. I'm such a fucking slut for my son's cum, cum in my face!"

Kurt pulled out as Karen spun around, still drooling from being fucked so hard. She stuck her tongue out and licked whatever part of Kurt's dick wasn't being jerked and he began shooting rope after rope of cum over Karen's beautiful face. Karen was finger fucking her cunt and began squirting all over the floor at the same time.

The scene was surreal as mother, still in heels and bikini bottoms, pulled to the side, rubbing herself madly as her son towered over her and shot his hot cum all over her pretty face.

At last, Kurt slumped onto the couch. "Wow. That was fucking unreal."

"Just wait until dinner," Karen said throatily, sliding her finger over her face to wipe the cum off. "I think we're going to have an interesting few days." She laid on her back, her big tits flopping to the sides, and began contemplating the next place she wanted to fuck her son.

I confess I broke my bf's heart for no reason.

I took a swig from the handle of Burnett’s vodka we were all sharing, then handed it to Greg, who I’d been flirting with for two weeks. I watched him take a swig before he poured it onto my semi-naked, bra-and-boy-shorts clad body while I danced to the summer hits of the ‘90s on Pandora. I looked up at the stars and soaked it all in. This was one of the best nights of my life. I was totally uninhibited and carefree. I would remember it forever. Greg brought me back to the moment with a love tap on the ass, and together we slid down the waterfall into the creek to join our friends.

I screamed as the rocks scraped my backside and I came crashing into the cold water. My best friends cheered me on. I don’t remember any words, only laughter. And then Greg grabbed my waist, and pulled me in close for a kiss. I turned my face away from him.

“You know I have a boyfriend,” I said, disappointed in him.

“Yeah,” he seemed to scold me, “but you know you have a boyfriend, too.”

It was the single biggest blow I’d ever received. Because he was right. What was wrong with me? I loved my boyfriend. Why did I end up here? Never crossing the line, but walking right up to it, longingly staring at what was on the other side. I’d been with Tim since high school — for nearly three years — and Greg was practically a stranger. I couldn’t possibly have real feelings for him. Why, then, did I want so badly for him to stay when he walked away?

Summer came, and I was back home with my long-distance boyfriend. I brushed away the confusing thoughts of that amazing night at the creek, and worked on my loving relationship, purposefully willing myself back into it fully. Tim was perfect. He was kind. He was a gentleman. He went down on me, like, all the time. And he loved me. He loved me so much more than anyone could ever hope to be loved. And I was lucky. I had been a fool back at school, I thought, to even consider the prospect of being apart. We spent an incredible summer together, filled with laughter, and happiness, and true, authentic, over-the-moon, head-over-heels love.

And then I moved back into school a week before the semester began. Day two back on campus, I met Josh. It was the same, all-too-familiar thing all over again. I was upfront about my relationship status, but allowed myself to flirt with him, and with the idea of disaster. After a postgame at my house, Josh and I stayed up talking until 5am, and fell asleep together on my couch. I woke up that morning and knew what I had to do.

I called the most kind and incredible person I’d ever met, and I broke his heart.

It seems downright monstrous — to abandon love for seemingly nothing. But the fact of the matter was I’d wanted that nothing for three years, and I couldn’t deny it any more. I felt unfulfilled. Maybe if we’d met when I was older, we would have been together forever. But I wasn’t older. I was in college. I was only twenty years old. And I couldn’t live with the idea that all of the carefree, adventurous parts of my life — and nights like that night at the creek, that only happened because Tim was sick at school and had gone to bed early — were over by the time I was 17.

I didn’t leave Tim for Josh. Or for Greg. Or for any one guy. I left him for, well, a lot of guys. But mostly, I left him for me. I needed to be uninhibited. I needed not to have to check in with someone if I was going to be out past two. I needed to experience all the wonderful, crazy, and scandalous things that were out there, and I needed to learn the things I could only learn about myself if I was alone. I needed to be able to go to NOLA and flash my tits if I wanted to, and know that nobody could be mad at me for it. Except for, like, my parents, but they were mad at me all the time, so who cared? I needed to make out with a stranger. I needed to be able to wingwoman my friends latenight at a frat house, even if I wasn’t interested in anyone, without feeling guilty. I needed to have first dates. I needed to feel that excitement that only comes from talking to a new guy. I needed excitement, and uncertainty, and lots of shameless attention.

I just…needed to be single. Because if I never did, I would have resented him forever.

Not everyone needs to “sow their wild oats.” But me? I did. I needed to have a period of time where I could do whatever I wanted, with whoever I wanted. I tried, for so long, to suppress it. But if you have that lingering feeling that you’re missing out on college, no matter how in love you are, no matter how you fight it, it never goes away. Ever. In fact, the more I tried to suppress it, the stronger I felt it, and I couldn’t live the rest of my life knowing that I’d never truly gotten to just be me — wild, carefree, adventurous, not-tied-down by anyone or anything, me.

Eventually, of course, I tired of being a party girl. I got it out of my system, completely, and no part of me feels the need to dance on tables or make out with a stranger in a bar. It seems to me, like it’s the kind of desire that can only be killed by having been met. Some people will argue that I gave up something substantial for something temporary, and that ultimately, it wasn’t worth it. I’d like those people to remember that argument when they are 40 years old, divorced, and depressed because they wasted their hot years on some dude who doesn’t want to pay alimony, while I am in a loving relationship, and have no desire to “see what’s out there,” because I already know.

In the end, I just sacrificed one happily ever after for another. I got closer with my friends, because I spent time with them instead of him. I was there for all of the funny stories and amazing nights. My life, as a whole, was filled with fewer fights about whether one of us was dancing with someone at a frat party, and less stress and concern about making someone else happy instead of me. Caring about someone else’s feelings more than or even as much as your own is a very grownup level of selflessness, and I wasn’t done being immature yet. So I chose me. And frankly, I wouldn’t change choosing me over him for anything in the world.