I’ve always been kind of an exhibitionist. I always found a way to fuck my past girlfriends and now wife somewhere where me might be seen by a stranger. I’ve always been lucky enough to find slim, firm bodied, cute women.

When I was 30 I had a girlfriend who was 18 and she was willing to be risky. She had a great body and I wanted the whole world to see me fucking her. We did it on my apartment balcony, in front of open windows, on a sidewalk and in the car. All of course FULLY naked.

Once with a different girlfriend we parked on a street in a neighborhood of a large college campus. It was at night and there were a lot of trees lining the street and the shielded much of the street lights so it was fairly dark. We started messing around in the car and eventually I got her out and fucked her from behind against the passenger side. Two girls who definitely looked college age came walking down the sidewalk and stopped when they saw us. I saw them so I pulled my dick out and rested it on her ass for a few seconds. I was thrilled to be showing those two my hard cock and I came as soon as I put it back in. That is my favorite memory of all time.

The night I fingered a crackhead and why I remember it fondly. 

A used to assist a friend in throwing some epic parties 15ish years ago. One night, after a few too many, I fucked a short portly blonde. She wasn't ugly by any stretch of the imagination, but she wasn't a stunner. She sat firmly in the 6-7 range. You know? Attractive enough to fuck sober, but you worry they'd get clingy and want to be a thing. Even now, at 37, chatGPT rates me an 8.5 for conventional attractiveness, even after I told it to be harsh, so you know... I've got that goin' for me. BUT, to my shock, she pulled a switcharoo and didn't want people to know she fucked me. ME!? 

Fast forward 12 years, and we reconnect on FB. Her husband just died, I just got a divorce, and it was nice to have someone to talk to. Her condition was evident in the photos that she was a user, but we weren't "talking" like that, so it was whatever. We hung out once, and it was a buddy hang, not a fuck buddy hang. 

Months go by, and I start receiving texts. The government took her sex trophies and she was homeless. Not like this was an ongoing situation, this had all happened within the last 5 hours. She had a ride somewhere later that night, but was spending some downtime at a casino. I thought, "Well, damn...I could bring her food and toss her 50 bucks, seeing as how she's broke and probably hasn't eaten all day." I get there, and after a while we decide to head to my car to continue our very lengthy conversation. It's, like, 2:30AM.

It was here that she started to fall asleep while I rubbed her boney shoulders. No exaggeration, she is 4'11 (jail records confirm this) and at the time MAYBE 85lbs. She coils into my lap, so I slide my hand towards her hips and continue rubbing. I'm a stand up guy. A saint, really. So, I ask permission to slide into her panties and I get the okay! I'm using both hands to grip her hip bone, and I might as well have been gripping a prop skeleton. I slide my hands in and started to rub her pussy. She lets out this raspy crackhead moan... You know the one. She honestly sounded like she was on death's door, which is actually why I'm telling this story, as it occured to me today that I should Google whether or not she was still alive. This went on for about 15 minutes. 

The pros, and why I remember it fondly: No ass cheeks. Everything was easy access. No thighs to move out of the way... it was just pussy and bird legs. Her little body curled up in my lap next to my hard dick made me feel massive! 

The cons: Dehydration. She couldn't get wet and her pussy was a walking swiftly into "don't touch it" territory smell-wise. These crackheads just don't care for themselves the way they should. 

The end. 

I was sitting at the kitchen table, talking to mom as she cooked supper. I was in my bikini top and running shorts. Daddy comes home from work and walks up to me. Without saying a work he undoes his pants and pulls out his throbbing cock and balls. He grabs me by the ponytail and forces his cock into my mouth. I didn't have time to prepare and started to gag and drool right away. Mom says, "Let her breathe, Walter." So Daddy pulls out for a moment while I gather myself. He shoves his massive cock to the back of my throat and starts fucking my mouth and throat while holding me in place with his hand in my hair. I relax, open my throat like he taught me and press my tongue up against his cock. He groans as he slides it in and out along the length of my tongue. I can taste the saltiness of his sweaty cock and the musty flavor of his old-cum. He takes his other massive hand and tears at my top to get at my tiny tits. He squeezes them hard and kneads them like bread dough. He pinches my nipples until I squeal - all the time ramming his cock down my throat.

Somewhere in the assault, Mommy kneels beside me and unties my top, exposing my sore little tits. She also finishes undoing my Daddy's pants and pulls them down to his knees. She fondles his balls in her hand and says, "That's it Walter! Fuck the little slut. You've been thinking about her all day. Give her your seed. Fill her with your cum!"

Daddy grunts and jerks. I can feel the usual spasms shake down the shaft of his cock and I prepare for his load. With every deep grunt another gush of hot cum pours down my throat. Again and again and again and again.

He growls when he's done violating my throat, and he pulls me up to my feet. He turns me around roughly and bends me over the table. He pushes my head down onto the wood, and I can see the glass of coke I was drinking an inch from my nose. He and Mommy grab my shorts and panties and with one motion have them at my ankles. And again Daddy plunges his hard meat into me. A shock of pain ripped through my cunt as he was suddenly and roughly all the way in. Luckily, my pussy was already wet and his cock was covered with my drool and his cum. Still there was still a little too much friction to be pleasurable until about the third or forth thrust. Then he really started to fuck me hard and deep. I moaned like the little whore I am. "Oh FUCK, Daddy, FFUUCCKK!!!!!" He slapped my ass and told me to shut up. But every time he pounded his cock into my pussy, I quietly exhaled a moan. Mommy egged him on,"That's it baby...fuck that little slut. Fuck her worthless cunt." She played with his balls and fingered his ass, which drove him into an animalistic state. He howled and tore into my poor tight pussy...using his little girl as a cum bucket. His final thrust nearly knocked me off my feet, but he held my hips and lifted my feet off the floor as he arched his back and pumped his hot cum into my tired little pussy.

Then Daddy plopped into the same chair I was sitting in just a few minutes ago. I couldn't move. Mommy was on Daddy's cock in a second, licking and cleaning traces of blood, cum and my pussy juice off his cock. Then she turned to me. Spreading my ass and lips apart, and looking at my swollen, gaping hole, she licked me clean and sucked the rest of Daddy's cum from my pussy. Then as I stood up and went to my room for a shower, I looked back and saw Mommy kneeling between Daddy's knees, sucking his cock long and deep. I knew supper would be late. She'd be riding his cock as soon as he was hard again.

I confess i have a hot fantasy of meeting a trucker with a big cock who likes giving and recieving orally and anally and would drop into town every once in a wile to spend some time in his sleeper getting high and sucking and fucking one another. I'm a little chubby and in my early 40's and live somewhere on the I-5 corridor. He'd show up and call my cell, then I'd go to where he parked and get in. We'd make small talk about his week and mine then he'd have me go into his sleeper and remove all my clothes and get myself hard. he'd come back a few minutes later and close off the divider and have me remove his clothes and suck his dick for a bit then he'd sit down next to me and we would fondle one another and he'd kiss me a little then he's put a DVD in a player and start a hardcore porn and pull out a pipe to blow clouds with and we'd take turns smoking while the other sucked our dick. I'd suck his dick and stick a finger up his ass and wiggle it around. lick the head and the shaft then lightly suck his ball and he'd return the favor when I was done. after we had done that for a while he'd tell me to lie down on my side and he'd lie down behind me and start shoving his dick up my ass and slowly empaling me on his thick 10 inch shaft. slowly pushing he manages to get it all in balls deep and waits for me to get adjusted, after a few minutes he starts moving in and out, slow and shallow thrusts at first but gradually building depth and intensity. he puts and arm around me and grabs hold of my cock and starts jerking me off and he has a rather tight grip on it and it feels good. pretty soon he's jerking my cock hard, kissing me on my neck, giving me deep powerful thrusts into my ass and we're both breathing heavy and ignoring the porn thats on, concentraiting on our outright feelings of physical lust for what we're doing, bringing us both off at the same time. Him in my asshole and me on his bed. we both lick it up and kiss passionately afterwards then we cuddle together and give it a rest for a while then repeat what we just did only having me fucking him this time.

Hi,

I kind of want to hear your thoughts about something that I am kind of insecure about...
I posted this Anonymously because I don't want to attract the "wrong" people. And I please ask for nice comments or thoughts on this... I'm not comfortable with very explicit stuff...
I don't really know how to start...

I'm in my early 20s, I'm a girl, bisexual and like to show myself...

...To be honest, it's not that I show my body or anything around all the time for everyone to see...
I don't dare doing that. I sometimes, when I feel really good or excited(which happens often I'll admit that), I sometimes decide not to wear a bra and then, sometimes, wear something that is just a bit too low cut or too open or I open up my blouse just too much, so it's possible to take a look inside and then I do as if I don't know. But again, I only do this when I am really really excited or very comfortable.

Please notice that I use the word "sometimes" a lot.

Most of the times when I go out bra-less I do wear something more appropriate but I kind of make sure you can clearly see the outline of my boobs under the fabric or like in the summer I love to wear shirts or tops that are tight fit or sleeveless with widecut armholes, so you can see the sides of my boobs. But further than that is out of my comfort zone(maybe hard to believe but it is).
Talking about this gives me somewhat the same warm feeling...

I have an issue admitting to myself that I have this odd behavior ...

A couple of years ago, I googled something like "going out naked in public"(because I would one day like to do that, or something like that but I don't dare to)I had an idea of what I was looking for but was mostly kind of clueless. This site was somewhere in the results. There even are people(men too) that go a lot further than me(this is probably not news to you but for me I didn't know about it and I was feeling very uncertain about the whole situation and didn't dare talking about it). There's a word for it(nymphomania) but I don't like it. There's a kind of negative image to that word and it's too sexually loaded, but that is my opinion...

At work I would never do this, it probably would get me in trouble or get me fired. I wouldn't like that to happen. Inappropriate behavior is not something I would want to be fired for and as a woman you can get a bad reputation very easily.

When I go out and I'm in the mood, I also find it funny and even cute, when I look up and I see the "oh, I've been caught" look on their face and I actually get a kind of kick out of it and it is very arousing and I almost always am blushing too when they look back embarrassed... I'm usually also very careful about when and where I can do it, I only do that when I really like or have feelings for someone or when I'm extremely aroused. Usually guys don't know how to act and girls make me aware of it or give me that look...

It is not really meant to tease anyone but I know it obviously can seem like I do that.
It's part of who I am and I can't help it.

Don't get me wrong, I really like doing this, if I would dare or if it would be possible or acceptable, I would probably be nude all the time.
When I moved in my apartment, the moment mom and dad were gone home, I took it all off and even pulled the blinds all the way up, it was one of the best things I ever felt and it's still the first thing I do when I get home.
I also find it adorable to see the reaction when I invite a boyfriend or a girlfriend over and when I open the door and then I ignore the fact that I am totally naked. I will get dressed when he or she is not that comfortable with it though.

I kind of also want to stress the fact that I don't go around "doing" everybody. I'm not that sexually active. I only do that when I completely trust that person....

When I was 19 years old and in college in Florida, I got really heavy into drugs. Mainly party drugs like coke and ecstasy, and of course plenty of weed, but on occasion other drugs as well. I was out of control and living one big party life on my parent's dime while they struggled mightily to pay for me to have the opportunity they never had and go to college. Looking back I feel like a total asshole about it now as they wanted nothing more than for me to be successful and not have to struggle...sorry, I digressed.

Anyway, since I had no money and wanted to keep up my partying lifestyle and since I was always very athletic, in shape and considered "good-looking", through one of the people I met in the party scene I ended up doing some modeling to make some extra money. Pretty low rent stuff, nothing glamorous, but a couple hundred bucks a week.

This quickly evolved into the opportunity to do some "videos". It started with just masturbation videos of me lying in bed, or on a couch or in the shower jerking off. I figured I was going to do it anyway so why not get paid for it and I was getting paid $100-200 per day that I did a shoot. I could sometimes do 3 or 4 scenes in a day. The guy running the operation said he was impressed by my "re-load" ability and also that I had just the right cock for it...I'm about 8 inches, decently thick and my dick looks perfectly formed from shaft to head and can blow pretty big loads even after only a little break in between. I knew that these were primarily for gay guys to watch but I didn't care. If someone gets off from seeing me, so fucking what. I did these for a while and then he asked one day if I'd want to do some full sex movies and photo shoots and showed me some of his portfolio and all things considered the chicks looked pretty hot and we were now talking more like $300-500 per day so I jumped right at the chance.

It was a crazy scene and pretty much everything you wanted was at your fingertips. Women and drugs galore. Parties every night after shooting. We were all in the 18-22 age bracket so it was just a no responsibility show. But as quickly as I made money it went back out the door on drugs and partying. Then one night when we were partying at the main house this director used for shooting videos, him and a couple of the other "big wigs" in their operation asked me if I would be willing to do some more hardcore shit. At first I was thinking they meant bondage, s&m type stuff, but they quickly made it clear they were talking gay action. I immediately said not a chance, I was straight and no way I could do it. They pushed the matter (and a coffee table with a big pile of blow on it) and said that all the actors in their gay shoots are straight guys because that is the look they wanted in their videos, strong masculine men, not femboys. The guys just do "gay for pay" and they also said I could make up to a $1000 per shoot depending on the circumstances. At that point my eyes lit up and I think they knew they had me. I asked them more questions and they said I could be strictly a top and receive blow jobs, that I didn't have to get fucked or suck or kiss anyone if I didn't want to. I could also do bi scenes where a female actress or two would be involved. I said, what the fuck, let's give it a try.

The next week they had scheduled me in for my first scene. I was shaking like a leaf prior to which was totally not like me. In the other stuff I had already done I was totally calm and had no issues getting naked, getting hard and fucking in front of other people. It was a one on one scene with me and another guy. I was going to be swimming naked in the pool and then get out and immediately go to the lounge chair next to the pool when the "pool guy" was going to show up to service the pool and eventually me who was masturbating while watching him clean the pool. I actually was having a difficult time getting hard which was totally not the norm for me, but he came over and began blowing me for a while and soon enough I did get fully hard. I had sunglasses on and just kept my eyes closed and picturing hot women. I put on a condom and ended up fucking him in a few different positions and then to my surprise he end up blowing his load on my chest as he was riding me, then slid off my cock, dropped back down and sucked me to completion taking my load all over his face.

I said afterward that it wasn't that bad, but I didn't think I wanted to do it again...until I got my next offer and more cash. It went on like this for a while and me just doing the fucking and getting sucked. I still was primarily doing straight shoots though. Then the director came to me with a proposal for a scene. It would be me and this girl I had done some straight scenes with and we would be a "married" couple and then another guy who was coming to our house to do some repairs. But he wanted it to be a scene where me and her completely serviced this guy. We all were going to suck and fuck each other, no holds barred type stuff. I was extremely hesitant but he offered up my biggest payday yet and it was a good chunk of money for 4-5 hours of total "work". I was so far gone into the scene at that time that I agreed and said let's do this.

The day came and again I was nervous. I did all my usual prep on my "manscaping" and where I normally do everything I can to keep myself fresh down below, this time I added the step of the diet one of the other male actors recommended and his full enema routine to completely clean me out. The worst thing on a porn set when anal is involved is having a shit accident. It came time for the scene and we were in the bedroom on a king size bed where I was fucking the girl for a while then the "repair" man came in, he joined in with me "thinking" he was just going to play jointly with my wife but then he starts licking my balls and ass and pulling out my cock from the wife's pussy and sucking on it. We go through some more motions and she is sucking him then she tells me she wants to see me suck him and this is it, the moment I took a cock in my mouth. I did what I had to do and then after he fucks her it was my turn to take his cock. I was laying on my back as she sat on my face and then he started fucking my ass. Hurt like hell but I had to put up a good front. He even made a comment that got into the video about how tight my ass was. Anyway, we finished the scene after everyone had been fucked and sucked and I went out that night with some of the other people from set and we got destroyed on drugs and booze. I was fucked up beyond belief and when I got home that night I said that was it, I was done. Absolutely no more of all of it. The drugs the porn, nothing. The next day I called up the director and said to pull me from the stuff he had me scheduled for the next week. He tried to convince me and told me what a fucking amazing job I had done the day before, but I told him I had to get out. I couldn't handle the life and really was regretting all of it. I pulled the plug that day and never looked back.

So, somehow through all of this I didn't flunk out of school. I ended up completing my degree and living out a pretty mundane, boring college life and working a bullshit part-time job in one of the offices on campus answering phones and shit. Really nobody in my "normal" life had any clue about what I had done. My parents were none the wiser about anything I did partying or whatever and were proud as could be the day they saw me get my degree. I started a job with a top consulting firm and in the decade plus since, have worked hard and progressed so much in my career that I look at the "crazy" money I was making from porn and laugh at how little it is compared to now. I am engaged to a very attractive and smart girl who is an attorney and makes plenty of money herself, but also has no clue about my prior life.

I guess my biggest fear is that one day I am going to come on here and see one of my videos front and center. I know they are out there in various places on the web, but they obviously weren't under my real name and the look I had back then was very different than it is now where I am clean cut hair, have a beard, and even back then in a bunch of the scenes I had bleached blonde hair for a while and a deep Floridian tan. I guess my real name and SSN is on file with the porn company somewhere so that could somehow get out, but generally speaking I got away free and clear without any repercussions. Crazy the journey our lives take.

I want to confess I've cheated on my wife a lot. It all happened after we had kids and in a 2 yr span. Before kids our sex life was pretty good. It was nothing crazy at all but we did it 3 or 4 times a week and we were happy. Before my wife I was a man whore and fucked anything that was at least a 6 and I was known to slay some 5's if need be. My wife knew this and still loved me. This is how it all started

After about the 5 month of preganancy my wife hated sex and it just wasn't happening.After we had our child she wasn't in the mood ever. At about 5 months after my son was born we had sex finally and it was really great but needless to say things didn't change. As things would have it we had sex once in almost a year and my wife got pregnant again. Between the baby and being pregnant sex went out the window. It was over a year before we had sex again.

During all this we had a couple we were friends that had a very flirtatious wife. She had stated plainly in front of my wife and her husband that I was her type much more then her husband was. She would text me randomly with a dirty joke or off the wall comment and was always very suggestive. Finally one day I was sick of being the one who was always uncomfortable so I told her she should come by one day when my wife was at work. She texted back "ANY TIME,ANY PLACE". I called bullshit and said "my place 15 mins". She texted back "have my kids with me,call me" I called and she was laughing. She told me I was the one who was full of shit. I said "yes I was just trying to make you uncomfortable like you make me". She responde "Can I be honest for a second?" "Totally" I replied. " I wish I was married to you instead of Rick" she blurted out. Silence on both ends. "Hello Jake are you there" "Uh yeah yeah I'm uhh here" I stuttered. " Are you OK?" she said. "Yea Melissa I'm fine, just caught off guard." "Jake it's true I've wanted to be with you since I was 13 and you were graduating high school but when you moved back to town dating Amy after college I knew it would never happen. I prayed everyday that y'all would break up and you could be mine. You don't know how many times I've thought about you when Rick and I where having sex. How manys I've masterbated to the thought of you. Seriously you were the first guy I ever thought about when I masterbated. I wanted you to be the one to take my virginity"." Are you fucking serious" I responded. " As serious as I can be Jake, I think I'm in love you I have been since I first saw you."

Now lets go back 15 yrs. The first time I saw Melissa she was a homeschooled kid whose dad wad pentecostal eveangelist, and lived in a Camper being pulled by a truck. She was nothing to look at even for 13. Dumpy clothes,out of style hair,and big ass nerd glasses. When I moved back 8 yrs later she was 21 and had comepletely changed. Long blonde hair,36 c tits,nice ass,and no more glasses. I told my dad one day if it wasn't for Amy I would be all over Melissa. If I was going to pick a woman to cheat on my wife with it was Melissa.

"Well if we are being honest Melissa I've thought about you many times since I moved back but I couldn't hurt Rick and I surely don't want to hurt my wife,' I responded. "I know" Melissa whispered and hung up. Needless to say my thoughts for Melissa were totally sexual and my cock was hard as rock after her confession. I jerked off got cleaned up but couldn't get her off my mind. "You ok?'" I texted her. "Yes,I just feel stupid" she replied. " Why" I replied. " I'm not a 13 yr old girl anymore Jake,hell I'm not even 21,I'm 28 and I have 3 kids, your wife is one of my best friends and I'm telling you I love you" "It's ok" I replied "I love you too" In hindsight that was maybe the shittiest thing I've ever said to someone. "DO YOU REALLY?" she asked." Yes why would I lie?" "To be nice so I don't feel like an idiot she answered. That was partly true but my ego needed to be fed and this was the only way I knew to do it. "Nope" I texted back " I'll call you later.

Later that night after the kids were in bed I told my wife bye and went to work out on the way I called Melissa. I told her how much I thought about her all day and that I wished I could just touch her. I threw out as much BS as I could so I would get what I wanted. " You know Melissa telling me you fanatsize about me got me so turned on honestly I'm hard right now just thinking about it." "oh Really" She replied "well guess what Rick is still working and the kids are asleep why don't you come over." "I can't tonight I told Amy I was just going to run on the treadmill and work out for a minute. What are you wearing?" I blurted out."T shirt and some boy shorts" she answered. " Send me a pic" I said. No response I waited a few minutes and started to get sick. The phone went dead. OH shit I fucked up " You Alive" I texted No response. I sat my phone and started to wonder if Rick walked in and found her phone. Finally my phone beeped and there she was laying on the bed no face but her smoking hot body. "Do you like it?" she said "Oh yes" I responded "less clothes more skin" I pushed. No response finally my phone beeps and she is there shirtless in her panties. Now honestly she wasn't as hot without clothes as I hoped but her tits where pretty good. They were sagging a little having had 3 kids in 5 yrs but her nipples were perfect and very suckable. Her stomach was ok. She had some stretch marks but I could work with it.I immediately called her back and said " My dick is so hard no way I can work out." " How big is it" she responded. "Want to see it?" I asked. " Since I was 13" I took a pic and texted it over and she responded "you think I can get it all the way down my throat. Your head is massive." Now by this time of my life I knew what I was working with.A slightly above avg 7in cock with a big thick dick head and good size thick shaft. I've had quite a few girls compliment me on my girth without being prompted. "I'm sure it will fit somewhere." I answered. " Jake make me cum" she said "tell me what you want to do to me spit in your hand and let me hear you stroke that cock." Rick had shitty job and worked shitty hours but he told me many time Melissa was a nympho and would call him while he was work and beg him to have phone sex. That he would get home 2 or 3 in the morning and he would fall asleep while she would ride his cock. So with this is mind I spit I moved my truck to the back of the parking lot and started stroking my cock for her. " Oh Jake I wish I was there to help you I'm so wet already," she cooed "stroke it hard and fast and tell me how much you want"."Oh Melisssa I want to fuck you so bad" I grunted."I know you do Jake" She took over "I've got my vibrator out on my clit too bad it's not your tongue. Tell me you want me" " I want you" I moaned " Tell me when you are ready to cum" she said sounding like she was almost there. "Now" I said Immediately and sprayed a thick rope all over chest and stomach. "OH Jake fuck me" she moaned out. After a few minutes she calmed down and said "I gotta go one of the kids is up call me tommorrow."

I'll finish the story if people want me too.

Already confessed this somewhere else but wanted to post it here
Been having an affair with my mother in law for years, I love her, even more than my wife, sex is fucking great with her.
We are always fucking whenever she leaves the room, last time was last night. The three of us were watching a movie and then wife left because she was tired and wanted to sleep, as soon as she got in our room her mother gave me a blowjob right there.
I'm trying to get her pregnant, it's my ultimate fantasy, to give my wife a little brother

There's a baby somewhere in my apartment building. Thanks to this site, every time I hear it cry, I think it's being raped. Makes me nauseous.

I confess I am drawn to revealing things about myself on internet boards with the intent of getting the approval and help of foreign people, whom I wouldn't tell my story if I saw them in person and whose advice I would never take. I confess that I have been doing that for 10+ years now and that there has been no single advice that helped me advance in life but instead keep me in the rat race. I confess that my brain tricks me into doing it again thinking that somehow somewhere there would be people thinking like me and doing things in my favour. Even though I have been disappointed by people since the moment I could think I still think that they like me if I am nice enough.

Even though I get what I want more often when I am not nice I go back to being nice all the time and wonder - like a fish with short-term memory - why it doesn't work.

Having been doing this for 30 years I gave up hope to ever get out of this in the long run. I don't think I have the ability to think outside the box.

I confess I am drawn to revealing things about myself on internet boards with the intent of getting the approval and help of foreign people, whom I wouldn't tell my story if I saw them in person and whose advice I would never take. I confess that I have been doing that for 10+ years now and that there has been no single advice that helped me advance in life but instead keep me in the rat race. I confess that my brain tricks me into doing it again thinking that somehow somewhere there would be people thinking like me and doing things in my favour. Even though I have been disappointed by other males since the moment I could think I still think that they like me if I am nice enough.

Even though I get what I want more often when I am not nice I go back to being nice all the time and wonder - like a fish with short-term memory - why it doesn't work.

Having been doing this for 30 years I gave up hope to ever get out of this in the long run. I don't think I have the ability to think outside the box.