sometimes i wonder why relationships with previous girls haven't worked out.

was it me? was it her? was it the timing or where i was at mentally? why does it even bother me? why do i let it stop me from falling in love?

i've had good experiences and bad ones. i've hung around gay people just to test the waters and allowed myself into certain situations which i knew would leave me vulnerable. i felt i grew from these experiences but actually, it's made me feel empty. i've dated students, a nurse, a stripper, a medical doctor, a girl that was allergic to condoms, girls online n i've been in drunk and sober threeways.

these people have been in my life intimately and know me in ways that no one else does but, now, when i look at it - as i approach my mid 20s, i look at these past relationships with an ounce of sadness n disgust in myself. i recall a violent relationship, a deep relationship and the last one, my first love.

will the next girl i date feel special? will i think that we've got something special going on? has my past relationships n companions made it impossible for me to feel again? has the things i've done affected my morals and beliefs? i once had limits. now, i just look at people like they're emotions that can either make me happy or sad. they're not people anymore. they're just objects to use.

maybe it's safe to say that no future intimate relationship will ever happen. not a happy one with me.

end of the text.

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