Now this will be a bit longer, and not very exciting, but forgive me, since it is a kind of a burden I can't share with anyone.
My husband is impotent, and I love him beyond anyone else in this world.
I had a few boyfriends before him, but when we met, I knew it instantly, that he was the one. Sex was amazing, but at that time, I genuinely thought sex is not that important, when you have love. Fast forward to some five years ago, we both came north of 40, and suddenly, he just stopped pursuing me, so I took the initiative. It did not happen over night, but I realized he has trouble getting hard, so I gave my best to help him, anyway I could, dressing up, watching porn together, constantly asking him what he wants, what is his fantasy, but I guess he knew his libido was dying, so that just made him close into himself, which eventually lead to him not being able to get hard at all. I tried convincing him to go and find some kind of therapy, and that made him even more bitter and angry, at me, himself, the world...
After a while, he started pretending like everything was just fine, and we dared not mention it ever again, and at that point, I realized, how important sex actually is.
It progressed, first I came looking for places similar to this one, only much softer, and over time my lust became more evident, and my online searches more and more hard core.
I didn't plan to cheat, but one night, it just happened, I met a man at a bar I was with one of my friends. I cried my eyes out coming back home, but tomorrow, I felt nothing but relief from what has happened. I was scared of seeing anyone more than once, since that seemed like an affair, but this one night thing, was nothing more than a natural valve for release of pressure.
Yesterday, I was thinking back on this, since we had a very touchy family celebration going on, and it affected me, emotionally, the guilt was eating me out. Thinking back, I realized, that in the past four and a half - five years, I have had sex with 48 different guys, only once with each of them. I had no idea it is that much, I would just go out searching for someone, whenever I had a chance, and whenever it felt like I can't do it anymore, not realizing, that it was once a month, on average.
Now I feel disgusted by myself, and determine, not to see anyone, ever again, and if I have to live in the online fantasy world, so be it, and I felt the need to share this.
