"I'm messed up..." yet again. Sorry about a third thread. The initial post appeared in a second thread, but then I tried to paste the rest in reply and again nothing. So I will try here yet again with an initial post.

Trying again, nothing is showing up (why I write in Notepad!)

Hi again and thanks Brian, W and R! I feel one of those hangovers where you spill your guts and then you wake up thinking fuck I didn't say what I mean at all, so it might take some time (or more wine LOL) to hit my stride again to keep going tonight. OK well school had started again so it wasn't like during the summer I couldn't see them that much, usually weekends and sometimes once a week we'd meet close to where my school was in the parking lot of a cool mall that was in a converted old theater. If his wife wasn't home now and then we'd go to "John's" house but Saturdays she was usually there or going someplace where he didn't know for sure when she's be back and so a lot of the time we just went out. He was nervous about that I guess but I guess I seemed like his daughter even though Karen didn't look anything like me. He didn't seem like a monster anymore and she was really pretty to me again but I couldn't get that vision out of my mind ever either, plus he was different and that's one thing where I'm not sure my memory's not playing tricks on me, I mean -- maybe I was more different than they were because of what I saw that day? But I don't remember him being so... commanding I guess, before then. I mean I felt like I had to do what he said even if I didn't want to and the stuff he gave me it was like all of a sudden more like I was getting it becaise I let him do something, I mean like go to the rest room and take your panties off and I have something for you kind of but it's not like he came right out to say that it's how I felt though and that made me feel really bad. And the pace picked up, too, like if I didn't answer his questions it was OK we're going now. He asked me lots and lots of questions and told me all sorts of stuff and some of it I didn't believe but then after I would like half-believe it or that one part of me would like I wasn't sure about anything anymore and I mean I guess that's not that weird because of being that age anyway it's supposed to be confusing then? It's like he was telling me who I was and I wasn't anybody then.

He asked me about cutting and he even got me to tell him about playing with my butt and the worst part was telling him about Mr Thermometer because he'd like made me promise so hard never to tell and that was like deep in me I mean I could keep secrets and I took promises seriously but in other words John made me tell him everything usually at really nice restairants like where there was more privacy like sitting there and analyzing me and maybe that's why I do it to myself so much. You know by then my dirtiest secret wasnt the sex stuff it was puking and cutting and laxatives. I was losing weight but I was getting taller too I wasn't awkward but gangly and some people could tell there was something wrong with me and I remember even some guys who stared at me like they wanted to do things to me like they were disgusted too I mean theyd look at how skinny my arms were and give me a look like I was sick like pity and lust and revulsion all at the same time and teachers at school asked me about my weight and I would clam up totally and other kids started picking on me and I'd go home and look at fashion magazines and think how stupid they were because I would be in there and they were fat. But I tried to pretend like that nobody knew how I got so skinny. Part of me wanted to grow up faster thats normal too I guess LOL and so I was upset because nothing was happening, I mean I still didnt have any hair and my hips didnt get wider and I didnt bleed. When we did go to their house I felt trapped and things went way too fast I cried sometimes and he would hush me and I still remember him telling me to kiss it and the taste and you know even then there was still a part of me that liked it, I mean I felt like I should suck dick or that's what he told me to feel and it's like that part of me got bigger, like I said it was the Cindy part later he called me Cynthia though because I liked it better and it's not like everything was terrible he like helped me believe in myself too I mean he told me I really would be a model that I was prettier than the girls in the magazines and graceful and here's something I wanted to say before sometimes I thought like I wanted to be in Vogue I mean like not be anywhere else just be likeglossy and paper thin LOL, like I'd even sleep like that like in a picture. Like I said, hard to explain!

He also told me I wasn't stupid and he gave me stuff to read, great stuff like Story of O and I started to feel superior LOL. Part of me did anyway, remember I was still a kid and this was just twice a week at most the rest of the time my stepdad and Mom and school and OK the next thing is I was spaced out probably thinking about sucking and this teacher started yelling at me and I got wet. Like I was really far away and whatever I was thinking was probably sexy but I got wet 'cause he yelled at me. Like I said I didn't get too wet yet then but still I felt really funny about it and it happened again and one time my stepfather yelled at me and it happened too not as strong but it was like I liked it or my pussy liked it anyway.

I guess I sound like I was gloomy, but that would give the wrong impression, too; I DIDN'T belong to him, I mean I still loved getting stared at and even though I mostly thought about the things he made me do mostly sucking mostly on my knees looking up at him I had to and then during Xmas break he made me suck his finger after it was in my butt -- I didn't just think about that I thought about other guys too, not guys my age I NEVER thought about them but other older guys, guys who checked me out. It was winter and I didnt dress in revealing things because it was fucking cold LOL but tight jeans mostly and I copied the makeup in the magazines so I thought I was elegant but I guess I looked like a kid who was trying to be an adult. Like I said a lot of people looked at me not like they wanted me but like they thought I was sick and sometimes both and that winter I didnt have any friends at all. I still thought about girls sometimes too, not a lot. He made me touch Karen and she touched me but even though she was pretty I wasn't into her that much, I mean I didn't think about her when I played with myself and after the curiosity was over I mean like the first times just it was exciting to see her body then I didn''t want to do stuff with her I did only because he said to. But I still fantasized about girls in the fashion magazines and sometimes girls I'd see like at the pool. So I wasn't always gloomy I wasn't having FUN but even now I don't think sex (and I mean all of it, from fantasies to exhanging looks not just fucking and sucking) should be FUN. I think it's serious, I take it seriously, like you know in French an orgasm is called a little death and death is not FUN (OK maybe if you're Irish LOL).

OK where do I start? I am Jane, I am also 55 widowed for 10 years now. I had a great sex life with my husband until he got killed in a car accident. It took me a long time to get over it and if truth be told I am still not, but I am better and last year I decided to make a clean break of it all and moved out of London to a very small village in the south of England. My new home was just at the edge of the village, a small cottage, with the biggest back garden ever. It took me around a year to get it all the way I wanted. I put a big fence round the whole back garden making it very private, The bottom half I dedicated to growing flowers but I set aside the area closest to the house and my recreation area. I got a summer house build with a gazebo next to it where I put a hot tub. The gazebo has removable sides for the summer and can be put on for the cold weather.
I kept myself to myself for that first year but last March I decided it was time to get out there and meet people again. It was a very nice spring day and I put on a nice new summer dress, now I may be in my 50s but I don't look it. I am very short just a little over 5 foot tall I am also nice and slim and have always taken care of myself and kept myself fit. My breasts have always been small, almost none at all, all the women in my family are the same, as a result I have never had to wear a bra unless I wanted too. I got on my push bike and took a ride into the village, I stopped at the one and only pub and decided I wanted a gin before I went on. I had never been in the pub before but it was like a pub that time forgot, It was like walking into the past. The only people in there were 4 old men playing dominos. I sat at the bar and in walked a pretty woman who turned out to be the owner. She knew who I was and said it was about time I came in, small village everyone knows everything. I introduced myself and she told me she was Laura 42. We talked for about 3 hours and I had way too much gin to get back on my bike to ride home. I walked home feeling more drunk than I ever had for years. I woke up the next morning still in my dress and had slept on the couch. I treated my hangover and remembered I had left my bike at the pub. It was a really warm day and I showered and put on another summer dress, a white one. I put on white cotton panties but didn't bother with a bra and walked towards the pub. I was almost there when it started to rain, not just a shower this was a downpour. Even though I ran by the time I got to the pub I was so wet, I doubt I could have got wetter by jumping into a swimming pool. Laura had just opened the pub so when I burst in I was the only one there and it was just as well because I discovered my dress was almost transparent when wet. My small breasts were showing through and because the dress was sticking to me and my panties were also wet you could make out my thick pubic hair also. Laura couldn't help herself and burst out laughing. She took me through the back to her home before anyone else came in the pub. She gave me some towels and said I should dry off. I thought she would leave me too it but she grabbed the bottom of my dress and pulled it up over my head. I took my panties off and dried myself. She came back with a gin for me as I sat on her couch covered in a towel. She took my clothes and put them in the dryer. I was sitting drinking my gin when in walked Laura's daughter, Karen. What shocked me more was she was totally naked, she never batted an eye when she saw me and just said hello. Laura came back in and said sorry about her daughter. I said not to worry as we were all girls, but I have to say Karen was beautiful, her breasts defied gravity. Laura told her to go get dressed and take over the bar. Laura told me that because it was just her and Karen they never bothered much with clothes. I laughed and told her not to worry and when I was married my husband and I would walk about naked also.
Over the next few months I would visit the pub almost every day and I became very good friends with Laura. I also drank more than I ever had in my life. I met a few other people from the village but by far I spent most of my time with Laura.
One Sunday It was very warm that day and I called Laura and told her I was going to spend the day in the garden and asked if she wanted to come join me and to bring gin. I told her just to come into the garden and when she came in I was sunbathing naked. I was on my front and didn't hear her come in. She came over to me and poured some gin right over my bum, it made me jump up and I could have slapped her but she was laughing like a schoolgirl. I sat down and she started to take her clothes off, as she did something stirred in me that had not stirred since my teens. She took off her bra and let her massive boobs free, she pulled her panties off and I saw she was totally shaved. Again my thoughts went back to my teens when I had a crush on my best friend, all I did back then was kiss but seeing Laura naked made me want to do more and why I did what I did next I still don't know. She bent over and her bum was almost in my face, I leaned over and kissed it. She didn't move and I kissed it again, this time I ran my tongue up and down the crack of her bum, I used to do this with my husband and he loved it. I knew I had just crossed a line and as I moved my head away she turned round and looked at me, I knew right away she was OK because her smile was wide. She sat next to me and leaned over and kissed me. She pulled away and told me she had wanted to kiss me since we first met. We kissed a lot that day but nothing else, Laura said she had been hurt so many times before and wanted to take things slow.
I was at the pub one night and after closing she took me to her room, we got naked and she made love to me, this was so unlike the lovemaking I had done with my husband, she was so gentle and when she went down on me it was unlike anything I had before. My husband almost never did that but her mouth and tongue took me to a place I had never been before, I came so many times and was so loud doing it. A lot of that night is a total blur because of the whole bottle of gin I had drank, but I do remember going down on her for the first time, I stopped short and she puled my head in, her pussy was so wet and my tongue found her pussy and I worked my tongue into it, finding her clit and with my hand I pushed a finger into her bum, another thing I did with my husband, she loved it as much as he did. We swapped places a few times before falling asleep. I woke the next morning and she had left me a note saying she had gone shopping. I went to the kitchen, still naked. And Karen came in behind me, she laughed and said that me and mum had kept her up all night with the screams. I said sorry but she said not to worry and that it had helped her masturbate. I was a little shocked and as she walked past me she gave me a little pat on my bum.

I will carry on later sorry my fingers are too wet to carry on